Dear Love & Relationships,
I’m responding to a similar scenario that was posted on your site with the title, “I Love Him & Feel He’s The One, But He Told Me He’s Not In Love With Me.”
Okay, take all that into consideration but then include the fact that I am his second cousin. Does this change anything? Let’s say he tells me he loves me more than anyone. He loves being with me more than anyone, and that he feels more alive with me then anyone, but he isn’t in love with me.
Please read the following scenario. Everyone thinks he is in denial. I know from your advice column you generally feel that what men say is the same as what they feel, but isn’t it different when society dictates he can’t say what he feels? Or, is the answer that love conquers all and if he wanted to be with me he would be, period. Keep in mind that he is only 24-years old and I am 29-years old. He is still living under his father’s thumb who is paying his way. I am at my wits end with this situation.
My cousin and I are having numerous issues right now. Basically it boils down to this: I am in love with him and can admit it, but he cannot. He tells me he loves me more than anyone in the world, and I make him happier than anyone in the world, and being with me is liking being in heaven, but he isn’t in love with me.
Everyone else who sees us tells me he is in love with me, but cannot admit it. He tells me numerous times that he is a self-preservationist and that we would have messed up children, and that he isn’t sexually attracted to me (this while staring at my lips and breasts). We sleep in the same bed together, but lately he is having trouble sleeping in the bed. He is restless and tosses and turns and tells me he can’t get a good night’s sleep with me in bed. He tells me he doesn’t have the same problem with his girlfriend (they are currently long distance). I’m assuming this is because he is sexually frustrated around me. I’ve already seen him with an erection and he quickly resorts to yelling. He has gone from letting me sleep in bed, to telling me I need to sleep elsewhere, to telling me I can’t sleep in the apartment all together.
The girlfriend knows how close we are and basically hates me. Right now I feel as though he has the best of both worlds. He cannot commit to me physically and he cannot commit to her emotionally. He is having his cake and eating it to. He has been more open about discussing things with me. At first he wouldn’t even run the idea in his head. He eventually understood where I was coming from. Now, he has agreed to go to therapy if and when he breaks up with his girlfriend, but that I am not allowed to bring up kissing him or having sex with him until that time. This means I am stuck in limbo.
To add on to the problem, his grandmother who is absolutely crazy about me wants us to be together. Mind you she does not know who I actually am (though I’m about 70% sure she does know and is playing along based on hints she has dropped). Long story short, our families dislike each other. He and I have only known each other for about 4 years. I hadn’t seen him before then since we were babies. He tells me he doesn’t have sexual feelings for me because he knew I was his second cousin when we meet. However, he is constantly staring at me, he strokes my arms, he wrestles with me etc. He tells me I fulfill 9/10ths of a wife, but he can’t have sex with me. I tell him he can but he won’t.
So, now I need to know what to do. I can’t stop talking to him completely this is not an option. Should I distance myself from him, just do things with his grandmother and let him go off with his girlfriend, or should I be around him and his girlfriend a lot to show him the difference he feels around the two of us (he has actually told her to her face that he feels truly more alive around me than anyone else), or should I tell him I promise not to bring anything sexually up and just be a friend to him always hoping something works out, or should I just bite the bullet, kiss him, and if he stops talking to me he stops talking to me, or should I date someone and bring them around to make him jealous (possibly with the hopes of liking them.)
I have tried to kiss him so many times but I am not sexually experienced and I always chicken out and wind up talking about it. Each time he tells me we need a break but we just go right back to being together. We hang out every weekend from Friday to Sunday usually. I have spent about 80% of my time with him in the last year.
Basically what is the best way to proceed to get him to admit he is in love with me? I have no idea what my next step should be.
P.S. – This is not me being in denial. Literally everyone else sees he is in love with me and we are meant to be. Our family says it, our friends drop hints, and strangers comment that we are so in love. Members of the board how shall I proceed? – Madly In Love With My Cousin
Dear Ms. Madly In Love With My Cousin,
Girl, please go someplace else with this damn –ish! The hell is going on in the world with folks lusting, desiring, and trying to freak with their own family members? Is this how life is now in the hood? Has this backwoods rural –ish infiltrated into the streets of MLK Boulevard and on the South and North sides of the hood? I’m going to need you to take this back to the mountains and have several seats on a cliff someplace!
I don’t understand why you’re looking to have a sexual relationship with your own cousin? Why? For what? One thing is he right about is that you both need some therapy for this –ish! You both need to have your heads examined. This donkey a** behavior has got to stop tuhday! I know there is not a limited supply of d**k out there! I know there isn’t! It can’t be! Well, based on some of the letters I get, you’d think there was a d**k shortage. LMBAO!
Honey, you’re running after him, confessing your love, and he keeps telling you that he’s not in love with you. He doesn’t want to be with you. He doesn’t want to engage in this relationship because he knows it’s wrong, but you keep insisting that you belong together. You’re the one living in this false sense of reality. Why keep running after someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Regardless if he is in denial, or trying to resist his feelings for you, SEXING, LOVING, AND BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR OWN COUSIN IS INAPPROPRIATE!
Who in their right mind will condone this asinine –ish? You can’t be that desperate and lonely that you really are considering being in an intimate relationship with YOUR OWN COUSIN! Family, regardless of how distant they are, is still family.
And, why are his grandmother, and your family members co-signing this bull-ish? Are they in-breeders as well? Chile, let me find out that the family is doing nothing but breeding with one another and, thus, this will explain the slow degenerate gene being passed along in this family.
Let’s look at your slow a** questions and get you some answers.
1.) “I need to know what to do. I can’t stop talking to him completely this is not an option.”
Uhm, yes you can! The other option is to move on with your life, and get this silly a** idea of sleeping with him out of your head. And, to do this you have to eliminate him out of your life, and you have to stop communicating with him. If you’re so turned on by him, and desiring him, then you have to remove yourself from this situation. It’s not healthy emotionally and mentally. You’re going to seriously do more harm to yourself, and him, if you keep thinking having a relationship with your own cousin will result in a loving relationship. IT’S NOT and IT WON’T!
2.) “Should I distance myself from him, just do things with his grandmother and let him go off with his girlfriend?”
Yes, you should distance yourself from him. He doesn’t want to be with you. He’s made this abundantly clear. Stop laying in the bed with him. Stop putting yourself in these awkward situations with him. And, stop engaging him with sexual conversations, and relationship possibilities. He’s in a relationship with another woman. He has a girlfriend. Let him be with his girlfriend regardless of how much he says he loves you and what you provide mentally. It’s inappropriate!
3.) “Should I be around him and his girlfriend a lot to show him the difference he feels around the two of us (he has actually told her to her face that he feels truly more alive around me than anyone else)”
This just sounds dumb! All this will do is result in a fight with you and his girlfriend. Two women fighting over a man who is mentally inept, and you’re the mentally challenged cousin vying for her cousin’s attention. Does that even sound attractive to you? Hell naw!
4.) “Should I tell him I promise not to bring anything sexually up and just be a friend to him always hoping something works out?”
Girl, please stop. You’re sounding real desperate and hopeless. You’re going to torture yourself by thinking you can just be his friend, and ignore your sexual attraction and desire for YOUR OWN COUSIN! Girl, leave him alone and move on with your life. There are over a billion men in the world, why do you want to sleep with the one who happens to be YOUR OWN COUSIN? Ugh!!
5.) “Should I just bite the bullet, kiss him, and if he stops talking to me he stops talking to me?”
Again, engaging in any type of sexual relationship with YOUR OWN COUSIN is not healthy or sane. You are family members. Why are you interested with in-breeding? Only animals in-breed. Oh, wait, this explains your donkey behavior!
6.) “Should I date someone and bring them around to make him jealous (possibly with the hopes of liking them.)”
Ugh! Girl, you are showing your intellect and age. I figured your IQ was the same as your age. You sound real silly. Why am I even engaging this bull-ish?
Look, there is nothing right about this situation. Nothing positive or nothing even remotely affirming about desiring and wanting to have sex with your OWN COUSIN. Please consider getting some help, and into some therapy. You need your head examined. Well, that won’t do anything because this in-breeding in your family is inherit. You’ll figure out some way to get your cousin to sleep with you. I can see you getting him drunk off some Henney, or slipping him a Molly so that you can get what you want. SMDH! Walk away from this situation. Walk away with some dignity as a woman. There are many men who are single and available that you can work on having a loving, monogamous, and non-family member relationship with. Stop running after YOUR OWN COUSIN. Stop lusting after YOUR OWN COUSIN. He’s your family member! – Terrance Dean