Valentine’s Day is not for everybody. And that’s okay! Some people are simply not built for the day of love. In fact, if you force it, you might just end up embarrassing yourself.
So, to save you from unnecessary heartbreak, fake love, or worse—public disgrace—here’s a list of people who should just chill on February 14th. If you see yourself here, don’t be angry. Just accept your fate and stay indoors.
1. People Who Don’t Eat Plantain
If you don’t eat plantain, I already don’t trust you. How can your taste buds reject the sweetest, most loyal food in existence, yet you expect love to find you? If dodo has never failed you, but you’ve failed it, maybe love is not your portion.
Valentine’s Day is for people who make good life decisions, not those who see plantain and say, “No, thanks.” Please, stay at home and reflect on your choices.
2. Yoruba Men
Yoruba men should honestly be banned from Valentine’s Day. These are the same people that will take one babe to breakfast at 9 AM, another one to lunch by 2 PM, and still manage to propose love to a third person by nightfall. How are you doing national distribution and still calling it love?
We already know that by February 15th, half of the Valentine’s gifts you gave will be recalled. Please, rest. Let peace reign.
3. Short People
Look, love is about lifting each other up. But if your partner is the one constantly lifting you physically… maybe just sit this one out.
Valentine’s Day is for forehead kisses and surprise hugs from behind. If your own “hug from behind” is your partner carrying you like a backpack, then please, just buy yourself chocolate and keep it moving.
4. People in Relationships
Yes, you read that right. Valentine’s Day is already overhyped, and couples just add to the drama. Every year, we have to endure all the staged photoshoots, fake “he surprised me” posts, and long speeches that sound like wedding vows.
And let’s be honest, at least 40% of you are fighting behind the scenes. But will you tell us? No. Instead, you’ll post “Love is a beautiful thing” when your partner just left you on read.
This year, why not take a break? Give single people space. We beg.
5. Single People
On the flip side, single people, what exactly do you want to celebrate? Every year, you people will still find a way to tension us. “Self-love is the best love.” Please, self-love is an everyday thing—why must it be on February 14th that you suddenly remember to buy yourself gifts?
And let’s not even start on the God when? crew. You were screaming “men are scum” last week, but now, you’re sad? Don’t worry, dear. Just be calming down. Your time will come… eventually.
Honorable Mention: Your Ex
If you’re an ex, please, respect yourself. What’s your business with Valentine’s Day? Why are you in people’s DMs saying “I miss us”? Why is your spirit restless?
You had your chance. Let it go.
On a More Serious Note
At the end of the day, Valentine’s Day is just 24 hours. If you don’t qualify to celebrate it, no problem. There are 364 other days in the year to focus on better things—like saving money, minding your business, or developing good taste (yes, I’m talking to the plantain haters again).