If there’s one thing Nigerians know how to do, it’s giving advice—especially unsolicited. But let me add one piece of advice you can carry to the grave: Don’t carry a Nigerian man on your head. It’s not just stressful; it’s a full-time job with no salary or public holidays.
And if you need a case study, look no further than 2Baba and Annie Idibia’s annual marriage saga. Annie used to be out there, carrying love like it’s NYSC community development, while 2Baba would drop hit songs and subliminal stress.
But let’s leave celebrities alone and focus on you. Here’s why carrying a Nigerian man on your head is the equivalent of applying for heartbreak on a platter.
1. Nigerian Men Will Ghost You in Broad Daylight
Forget those paranormal ghost stories. Nigerian men are the original disappearing acts. One minute, he’s calling you “my queen” and asking what you ate for breakfast. The next minute? He’s offline for two weeks because “work has been stressful.” Baba, did stress also cut off your thumbs and network connection?
2. He’ll Claim He’s Broke, but Has Money To Buy Rubbish
If you’ve ever dated a Nigerian man, you already know that their first love is hustling. But hustling for who? Because somehow, he has money to buy football jerseys and data for Twitter arguments, but when it’s time to buy you small shawarma, he’ll start talking about financial discipline. Carry him on your head, and you’ll soon be the treasurer of his brokeness.
3. His Mother Is the CEO of His Life
Ah, the classic “mummy issue.” Nigerian men will remind you daily that their mother is their first love, second love, and—let’s be honest—the only love that counts. You’ll never be able to fry plantain as well as she does, and even if you do, he’ll tell you it’s because she “taught you everything you know.”
Why carry him on your head when his mummy has already booked that space?
4. He’s Forever on Trial With His ‘Cousin’
When it comes to Nigerian men, every woman is a cousin. You’ll see “Sis Mercy” texting him at 11:45 PM, asking if he’s eaten. Sis Mercy is asking? Does that sound like family behavior to you? Before you know it, you’re investigating family trees like you work at Ancestry.com.
5. Football First, You Second
You think you’re the love of his life? Wrong. It’s Chelsea FC or Arsenal. Nigerian men don’t miss kickoff, but they’ll forget your birthday and claim it was an honest mistake. God forbid his team loses—it’s mood swings for a week. But if you dare frown when you’re upset, you’ll hear, “Why are you overreacting?”
6. He’s a National Treasure, According to Himself
Nigerian men carry themselves with confidence that would make a lion jealous. He could be living in a one-room apartment, but he’ll still tell you, “You’ll never find another man like me.” Sir, that’s the whole point! Carry him on your head, and you’ll be stuck hearing TED Talks about his potential for the rest of your life.
7. He’s Not Carrying You Back
When you’re in love, you think it’s 50/50. Sis, it’s not. While you’re out here carrying him like your entire destiny depends on it, he’s busy carrying vibes, his PlayStation, and maybe his next “cousin.” Love is sweet, but it’s only sweet when there’s balance. Don’t carry him on your head unless you want neck pain, heartbreak, and unpaid emotional labor.
Our Conclusion
Nigerian men are funny, charming, and sometimes worth the drama. But let’s be honest, many of them are like Jollof rice cooked with too much salt: tasty but risky. Carrying them on your head is like trying to carry a leaking keg of water—messy, exhausting, and ultimately not worth it.
So, dear queen, carry your own crown, your own goals, and maybe a plate of small chops for peace of mind. Nigerian men will always be Nigerian men. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!