Before you give away or sell another computer, follow these simple steps to make sure you’ve protected your identity, and your dignity.
No Saved Files
I cannot tell you the number of times I have found multiple of files absolutely filled with porn. Most appalling is the fact that nobody has yet even attempted to hide the file.
Let’s be clear: No matter where you put your personal spank bank, I will find it. But it’s still nice to see a little effort went into hiding it, rather than having it sit directly under your ‘My Documents’ tab.
Once, I even found a sex contract detailing all the disgusting stuff the sex slave was expected to do, including salad tossing, flapping the doodle, and corking the cavity. I could barely read the “squid play” clause.
There are multiple sites to access this content for free, rendering saving it onto your hard drive pointless. I know you know which sites those are. I’ve looked at your browser history. And speaking of…
Delete your Browser History
This simple task is overlooked way too often. Are people just in such a hurry to unload their computers and make a quick fifty bucks that they don’t have a few minutes to cover their online tracks?
It’s not just the porn sites you’ve visited—which can get pretty bizarre. (We tried to warn you, Internet Porn Has Gotten So Much Weirder Than You Could Possibly Imagine.) It’s also the stuff that seems innocuous. Browsing habits give a lot of personal details away, such as Facebook profiles and email accounts. By the time you get home, I could’ve posted the contents of that one folder you told your girlfriend you promised you deleted right onto your Facebook wall. And that creepy uncle from that one family reunion? He’s already liked it.
Make sure you’ve hit all your internet browsers. A typical computer has more than one, each with their own bookmarks and history. Even if Google Chrome is your browswer of choice, who knows what Grandma was looking at that one time she borrowed your computer and opened up Internet Explorer.
Erase Your Drive
There are a variety of ways to erase data on a hard drive. Since your data is stored magnetically, you can use that same technology to erase the hard drive as well.
Just use a welder’s magnet to pass over the drive a few times in the same direction.
Darik’s Boot and Nuke (DBAN) is another alternative. DBAN is a very powerful (and free) application to delete the partitions on your hard drive, rendering it useless until it’s properly formatted. For you non-tech nerd readers out there, it’s the equivalent to cleaning those mysterious stains found all over those stiff towels by just throwing them out. (Seriously, throw them out. I’m looking at them right now from your unsecured webcam.)
This method isn’t 100% effective, as someone with the proper software and time can recover these deleted files. if you want to be extra cautious, your best bet is to…
Hammer the Shit out of your Drive
Not only is it safe, it’s also the most fun way to make sure nobody can access the contents of your personal shame.
Just make sure you first remove the drive from the computer before you start playing wack-a-byte. Then, pry it open using your favorite hammer. Inside, you should see a flawless reflective disc. Carefully remove this disc with your hammer, place it on the ground, and then use said hammer to turn that disc into a fine dust.
Snorting this dust does not grant direct transmission of porn into your brain, so please don’t try this.
Keep the Drive
Depending on exactly how much sensitive (porn) data you have on your drive, it might be beneficial to just keep the drive for yourself. You can even buy adapters to turn that drive into USB storage to load even more porn onto. It’s a win-win situation! This method might affect your selling price, but is there really a price for personal security? Or for your detailed collection of interracial dwarf face-sitting pictures?
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