Valentine’s Day is coming, and for the first time in forever, you’re not on the receiving end of pitying looks and “Don’t worry, your own will come” messages. This year, you finally have a partner, and you must let the world know.
But simply going on a cute date is not enough. No, no. You must ensure that singles everywhere feel a deep, soul-shaking loneliness when they see you. You must oppress efficiently.
Here’s how to do it right:
1. Take Up Space Like You Own the Air
Valentine’s Day is not the time to be a considerate citizen. No, my dear, today you and your partner must be seen.
- Walk slowly in public, hand in hand, like the ground was made for just the two of you. If people are in a hurry behind you? Let them wait. Love is patient.
- Sit on the same side of the restaurant booth, leaving the other side painfully empty, so every single person passing by knows what they are missing.
- Laugh at inside jokes every five minutes. The louder, the better. Bonus points if you occasionally stop mid-laughter just to stare into each other’s eyes.
2. Make Sure Your PDA Is Just Slightly Uncomfortable
Kissing in public? Predictable. Holding hands? Basic. You must take your public displays of affection to the next levelwhile keeping it just barely acceptable.
- Feed each other in restaurants, and make sure it’s something dramatic like spaghetti. Let the fork hover in the air for a few seconds before they take the bite. Make it a moment.
- Whisper in each other’s ears, then laugh, then shake your head like, “No, it’s too sweet, I can’t even explain.” Let people around you wonder what’s so funny.
- If you’re feeling extra spicy, randomly stop in the middle of a supermarket aisle, hold their face in both hands, and just smile. Say nothing. Let a single person walk by and feel the emotional damage.
3. Use Social Media Like a Weapon
Your phone is your strongest tool in this oppression campaign. Use it wisely.
- Post at least seven stories before noon. A photo dump of your matching outfits, a boomerang of your hands intertwined, a “POV: you’re in love” caption. Drown the singles in content.
- Screenshot the most over-the-top message from your partner and post it. Something like “Even if the sun stops shining, I will be your light.” If your partner isn’t naturally dramatic, force them to send one.
- If anyone asks you how your Valentine’s is going, respond with “Aww, I wish I could explain, but you won’t understand unless you’ve experienced true love.” Then log off before they can reply.
4. Make Single People Feel Like They’re Missing a Secret Event
This is a psychological game. The goal is to make single people feel like something exclusive is happening that they are simply not invited to.
- Hold hands at the ATM. You don’t need to, but do it anyway. Let the single person behind you wonder why love and banking must go together.
- Buy the last pack of chocolate at the store and giggle as you hand it to your partner. Look apologetically at the single person who was reaching for it. “Oops, love wins again.”
- If you’re in a ride, sit so close together that there’s an unnecessary amount of space left on the seat. Let the single passenger squeezed in the corner feel the injustice.
5. End the Day With One Last Emotional Knockout
By now, you have done well. Singles are weak. But you must finish the job properly.
- Post a long paragraph thanking your partner for being your best friend, soulmate, home, peace, and daily bread.Use words that belong in a wedding vow. End with “I never knew love could be this sweet.”
- If you really want to break spirits, add “I pray everyone experiences this one day.”
- Then log off, hold your partner’s hand, and go to bed knowing that you have fulfilled your mission.
Press People’s Neck Very Well!
Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love, but let’s be honest—it’s also a day for small, innocent oppression. And if you don’t make at least one single person reconsider their life choices, have you really done it right?
Now go forth, lovebirds. Pepper them well.