Q. Boring Sex: In my college years, I was sexually adventurous, to say the least. In my later 20s, I found my way back to my church, and decided to start fresh, and wait until marriage. I met my now husband in my church singles’ group, and we have been married for just over a year now. He knows nothing of my sexual past, I didn’t feel it was necessarily his business, and he never asked. However, he was a virgin when we married, and there is the problem. He is really lousy in bed. I’ve tried to suggest ideas to spice things up, but he looks confused when I do. Also, when I’ve made certain suggestions as to say, positions, he asks how I’d even think of something like that, so I told him I’d read about it online, and he got worried I’d seen porn! I don’t want to tell him about my past, but I don’t really want to spend the rest of my life in missionary, when there are so many other options. If I reveal too much knowledge about sexual acts we haven’t done, I’m pretty sure he’ll decide I was “used goods” and he shouldn’t have married me—are there other ways I could drop a hint, without revealing too much about my own past?
A: I’ll never understand people who don’t go for a test drive before purchasing the vehicle. When you say he knows nothing of your past, I don’t know if you mean he doesn’t know the details or he thought like himself, you had no sexual past. If the latter then you married under false pretenses. This problem goes beyond him being inexperienced; he’s not interested in becoming experienced. So you two may have a fundamental mismatch. You need some honesty in this marriage. Without going into numbers or details (and don’t be bullied into revealing them) you tell him you know about sex because you’ve had it. You say your experience could make your marriage much more exciting and you want to explore sexually with him. If he thinks you are damaged goods, then what a favor he’ll be doing you by ending it now.